all together now

I deleted my allpoetry stuff, which is to say, I deleted sixteen years worth of timestamped tragedies, bad jokes, and old love. And I didn't feel a thing. That's sort of the problem anymore - I don't feel. Things. 

 

Nice things, I mean. I feel the other stuff. 

 

Nick's been gone for almost eight months already. If you add that together with the 2 years we were separated, that's practically three years without anyone to tell me that the jokes weren't all bad and that love is as new as we insist upon making it.

If life was empty before, it is surely a hilariously empty shell of itself now. 

The cicadas are blooming. I'm told. I haven't heard them. But there's the running gag about them sleeping for seventeen years underground without light or worry or social interaction - then BOOM! They come crawling out like percussive zombies and scream for all the western world to hear that being away is not the same as being dead.

 

And that's all very poignant. Then they die and I forget to learn anything.

 

I'm not happy. With anything. I bury myself at work thinking it will smother the sadness, and it does for a while, but then I'm driving home and there it comes - that cicadic scream that he's not coming back. And I collapse under my own stupid weight. That I have spent my entire adult life building my life around things that would not last. And that life is not meant to last, so why should anything inside it? 

 

Is this getting a little dark? 

Alright. Next topic.

 

I deleted all that writing, but I'm still doing it. Why? Because I'm not smart enough to stop doing it. It's the only thing I can guarantee will be around after I die, and what is life if not the mad scramble to leave anyfuckingthing behind. 

 

Still too dark? Got it, got it. 

 

Herb is doing great. 

I mean it, he is doing wonderfully.

 

Geez. Was the whole point of this post to tell you how sad I am and how great Herb is? I think I thought maybe you'd be reading this because it's the only place I still let people in. It's easier to sing harmonies when other people gather 'round,

 

so!

 

Ready?

All together now - 

 

 

 

 

 Amendment: Time heals all wounds. This, too, shall pass. Keep your chin up. Stay strong. I'm here if you need me. Get on with your life, you self-absorbed hot pocket. 

There. I made all the comments so you don't have to.