02. January 2024

2024

I'll catch Nick in 2025. He was 37 when he died and I will catch him in 541 days. I cannot tell you how much I fucking hate the idea of it. I'm heartened that I can still feel him. If I close my eyes, I can feel every inch of him. I can hear his voice clear as the absence of it. His warmth. His uneven attempts at a beard. I've been most afraid of losing those things to time - the tactile imprint of loving him for so long. 541 days. Christ.

How did I spend my new year? Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blew. Everyone in the house has been real sick since November. Respiratory nonsense. Bronchitis. Pneumonia. Flu. Strep. An awful little cocktail of phlegm. Add to that my increased workload and bingo bango boingo, you've got a poor decision!

And not even that. I'm the poor decision. How about instead of me having to change all the time, you make the resolution to not make me?

Poetry has felt like pulling teeth for a few months now. The passion is absent. Or present and useless. Everything useless. I cannot get over it. I am as enamored of a full set of lips as I was then, except now, when I write about it, I remember that I'm jerking off into the wind. And while that's not entirely illegal, it is impolite and God knows I strive for politeness. Love. I make such a performance of avoiding it. A man I met through an app has worked his way into my day-to-day brain. I have pulled the weed of affection up from its roots, but still, little yellow flowers poke through the concrete. It bothers the absolute shit out of me. I do not want to care for anyone. I do not want anyone caring for me.

You ever hugged a jellyfish?

That's what I'm going for here.

Which brings me to my first love. Before Nick. The one who picked the biggest room in the house of my heart before the bitch was even fully on the market. He is alive. He is well. He is the last living soul. What a terrible thing. What a wonderful and goddamned terrible thing.

What am I going on about and why?

I started a new 365 series. I don't know why. I don't know if I'll upload them day by day or at the very end all at once. I don't know who ventures here. My website analytics suggest someone hangs out here, but I couldn't say who or why. Anyways, if you're curious, I'll let you in on the series.